These days, it can be difficult keeping up with all the new style labels that spring up. However, all beard enthusiasts should be familiar with the term, “lumbersexual.”
No, it has nothing to do with someone who really likes trees.
In case the term lumbersexual comes up in conversation, or you stumble upon it on a blog much like this one, you should be in the know. Especially, if you sport a beard yourself! There’s nothing worse than a man with a beard who doesn’t stay up-to-date with the latest beard terminology.
Okay, there’s a lot of things worse than that, but you get what I’m saying. You don’t want to be mistaken for a lumbersexual without knowing what their whole deal is. Anyway, here’s everything you need to know about lumbersexuals.
(And, who knows? Maybe you are one!)
Does It Have Anything to do With Sexual Preferences?
Despite the name, being a lumbersexual has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. The life of a lumbersexual to available to all.
A lumbersexual is simply a young man who lives in an urban area, yet sports a long, scraggly beard, reminiscent of a lumberjack. Lumbersexuals are immediately recognizable, due to the contrast of their lumbersexual beard with their air-conditioned, fluorescent-lighted environment.
Of course, the question remains: what happens if a lumbersexual wanders out of his natural habitat and into the great outdoors? Does he then, by virtue of his surroundings, shed the title of lumbersexual and become an actual lumberjack?
No, that would be ridiculous. A lumberjack is both a profession and a lifestyle, not a simple matter of clothing and facial hair.
The lumbersexual would simply become an unemployed lumberjack.
Lumbersexual vs. Hipster: What’s the Difference?
I know what you’re thinking.
“These lumbersexual fellas sure do sound like hipsters. What’s the difference?” Well, I’m glad you asked.
There is one very important factor that will forever set lumbersexuals apart of their ancient ancestors, the hipsters. That thing is, of course, the wardrobe.
You see, the lumberjack connection doesn’t merely stop at the beard. No, sir. Lumbersexuals also sport the plaid shirt, usually red, that lumberjacks are known to wear and trees are known to fear. They are also known to wear other work-related clothing, such as heavy-duty work boots.
In other words, they look exactly like lumberjacks, except paler and lacking in forearm strength. They wouldn’t be able to tell an oak from a magnolia tree.
So, next time you’re sitting on a park bench with your significant other and decide to play “spot the hipster,” you can confidently inform your missus when she has incorrectly identified a lumbersexual.
The lumbersexual also frequents coffee shops and hops on to free wifi networks using an expensive laptop. So it is easy to confuse the conventional hipster with the hairier lumbersexual.
Is there anything better than telling someone they’re wrong and then actually having an explanation to back it up with?
Where Are You Most Likely to Find a Lumbersexual?
If you’re looking for someone who’s giving off the illusion of hard work, there’s no better place than the coffee shop. It’s where people sit at their laptops, stare at a blank page for several hours, then call it a good day’s work.
Lumbersexuals will often utilize coffee shops as their watering hole. It’s a place where all the varieties of hipsters can gather in peace and put ice in drinks where it should not go.
You may also see a lumbersexual at a grocery store that specializes in organic food. Again, like the lumberjack himself, the lumbersexual prefers foods that are straight from the land. However, the lumbersexual is not willing to work on the land, but merely reap its benefits.
Not willing to chop trees and not willing to grow or hunt for his own food. There’s a pattern here that may be tantamount to the character of the lumbersexual.
Aside from the coffee shop and grocery store, you may also find that lumbersexual congregate at local theaters, where they listen to alternative music and stand-up comedians who wear thick glasses.
However, it is highly recommended that non-lumbersexuals avoid such areas, as the intense volume of plaid can cause disorientation and nausea. It is not uncommon for an average person to lose their way in a crowd of lumbersexuals and never return.
What Makes Up the Lifestyle of a Lumbersexual?
Now we know what lumbersexuals look like and where they feed, but we also know they don’t do any of the work that you’d associate with a lumberjack.
So, what do they do?
In their plaid shirt, rugged beard, and work boots, lumbersexuals are known to sit behind a computer and blog about various topics. These blogs could cover a multitude of topics, for lumbersexuals are renowned for their numerous opinions, which include the unjustified satire of lumbersexuals.
In addition to hanging around a coffee shop, the lumbersexual is also known to work at the coffee shop. However, these might be hard to spot, as their barista aprons could be concealing their lumbersexual shirt, making it hard to discern between hipsters and lumbersexuals.
A lumbersexual starter kit will include a red plaid shirt, beard oil, musky cologne, jeans and a pair of boots. The lumbersexuals boots will be thick and heavy and brown but spotless because they have never been worn during a day of hard work.
The underworked gentlemen will probably buy pricey coffee and get a lumbersexual haircut at an expensive barber. The barber will probably give them a head massage and tell them to work the balm into their chin on a regular basis.
They would probably flinch in horror if you referred to them as a lumbersexual hipster. After all their lifestyle is about more than just wearing a thick beard and they should not be constrained by such a reductive label.
The rise of the lumbersexual largely quelled the waves of man bunned hipsters. But it is difficult to see what the next trend will be. At the moment the lumbersexual lifestyle is still going strong.
Soon enough even the common man will have no need to question what is lumbersexual? The lifestyle will be as ubiquitous as a conventional hipster.
What is the Lumbersexual Haircut?
Despite what we have discussed about the lumbersexual lifestyle the lumbersexual definition is in fact largely dependent on the hair and beard combo.
Part of being a lumbersexual is about the pretense. Having a zany and fake-rustic haircut is the best way of conveying this faux old school pretense. Yes, the beard must be thick. But what about the hair up top?
If the hair is not being covered by an expensive wooly beany then it should be meticulously arranged. The beard is allowed to roam free but the hair up top needs to show that you don’t actually make a living cutting down trees.
The quintessential lumbersexual cut is a combination of a thick slick back hair on top and short sides that fade to a zero. It suggests that they are both a man of substance and a stylish geezer who owns a MacBook pro.
How Do Lumberjacks Feel About Lumbersexuals?
While it’s impossible to know just how lumberjacks feel about the growing lumbersexual population, it’s probably safe to assume that they know nothing of it and don’t care.
Perhaps, we should all take a hint from the lumberjacks.
Maybe the more important question is, “how do lumbersexuals feel about lumberjacks?” In other words, of all the personas to adopt, why the lumberjack? The scuba diver has a unique look or even the coal miner.
That hat with the flashlight on it could come in handy in many urban environments.
It can only be assumed that the lumberjack represents the life that the lumbersexual would like to live, but, unable or unwilling to venture beyond the free coffee shop wi-fi, the lumbersexual must settle for the presentation.
After all, we all get dressed in the morning and become the person we want to be. Whether it’s a leather jacket or a newsboy cap, nothing that we wear has any true purpose, other than adapting to the weather.
So, at the end of the day, the lumbersexual isn’t so different from a hipster after all. And, quite possibly, that’s the last thing the lumbersexual wants to hear.
Now You Know the Many Traits of a Lumbersexual
America has lived through a lot.
We’ve braved the men’s urban style of beatniks and hippies, and we came out the other end with some great music and some interesting poetry.
Now, a new strain of the hipster has arrived in the lumbersexual: a man who behaves like a hipster yet assumes the form of a lumberjack.
Like the beatniks and the hippies, the lumberjack will fade away one day, but, until then, we can only learn to appreciate them while they last. While irritating they are largely harmless. Their emergence is merely indicative of societal trends too heavy for a beard related blog.
With their scraggly beards and plaid shirts, what is a lumbersexual if not someone who fills a collective hole in our hearts left by the real lumberjacks, who have largely disappeared.
For that, the lumbersexuals deserve our utmost respect.
What is a lumbersexual for you?
Share with us in the comments below!